hello there world if you're still reading.
i guess the blogging trend is no longing much a need to the community anymore perhaps?
should we do the typical post of resolutions for the year? yums so much excitement, literally being sarcastic.
more like a reminder for myself , when i get to reflect by 2016.
1, do have what i have always wanted, a place of my own, a store of my own, i believe this would be the year ! its my time to shine!
2, work harder and harder and harder till my bank account grows sporadically
3, learn to be patient and change my ways of ego . BE ZEN , be me :D
4, hitting my materialistic list
5, work my relationship
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The realisations that stampede towards me within the sphere of my bedroom run circles in my head - round and round, bouncing back and forth between the notions of 'i'm losing it' and 'i'm fine'. I can feel fine cracks forming in my mentality, like cracks in a glass pane, surging and splitting with the slightest touch. It is with each moment with and without you I feel the cracks growing. What was once a giant unbreakable wall now lies rubble at my feet, my vulnerability exposed to be prodded and examined by someone from the outside.
strikes again, i love you. I'm mostly sure. i never said it to you because mainly i was too scared and i was hoping that you would know somehow. occasionally at the randomest times i would always question you, do you love me? it was just one word i needed to know, even though i know. i just wanted to hear it. the sound of it would kill all of the negativity again. every time i attempt to say it now, it feels also not so us anymore. but yeah, i still love you. Even though sometimes you make me want to physically hurt you and even after all the times you've ( unintentionally ) hurt me, you;ve been pretty great , as a boyfriend and a best friend. the first year has been amazing, and even though it hurts like hell now when we argue, i don't regret getting into this. and don't you say you wish that i didn't like you this much because i do, despite many efforts. when our last fight occur which was 2 days ago, i swell myself up in the wounds of pain. and all you had was your man ego, you ego to never forgive or even apologise just for me. must you be so calculative in this relationship. i used to lay on your bare chest without thoughts, about how the last few moments between us felt right, the current moments felt safe and the next moment was lost in ecstasy. it seems that now when i lay on your bare chest heavy thoughts surrounds, about how not long from now i will be laying on my pillow without you. the kiss on the forehead brings me back to where we are, reassuring me that its fine, that is still how it was.
what is this i am feeling, where am i to you?
words or thoughts?
just say it to me , fight your ego
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