give me something , sad soul

a fresh new week begins,

but i still could remember every single second and moment of the whole downfall 

it was that moment which made me believe all the cliche quotes

'learn to love yourself more'

This probably happens to every 3 out of 5 girls. The pain and the heartache, the deep heartaches. The ones which gives you that minty feeling inside your chest. The negative thoughts clouding the mind, over thinking to the point where its not analysing. 

Shall you ever believe in love again? Or even this person again?

this brutal act can never be forgotten , ever. 

Closing in the dark light. 

There is loneliness, the one person which we can ever rely on, ourselves. 

Recapping the moment, sharp words were ripped out by in the car. It just came by so quickly , when anger and stress hits the spot, it all goes amuk. And there it was, walking away. This was the mistaken . No one should ever walk away during an intense argument. NEVER

Tears streaming, it was obvious. The soul returns to its humble base filled with emotional negativities. 

It was then ANGER grew to frustration and MORE LIES. 

 A place where it will always be my everything, it opened its doors to me. Without hesitation, i took hostage inside but it was dark and empty, alone. It was evident, thoughts and more thoughts. 

I needed distraction, i got some but it didn't last. 

Telling myself to go to bed, shut my brain . It just kept going, until that phone call. 

The phone call which distinguish the whole plot of this. 

Laughing to myself, what a waste of space, this bullshit act of friends you have. 

RIDICULOUS. 

despite it all, i still have to save you from all this

Did you really think i deserve this?

Something inside persuaded me to take charge, i did. MISTAKE

Maybe someone up there is really testing my ability to love
this is life worth living ?
faith is broken,
hands are bounded

that cold call, what you say tells me nothing
whats the truth, give me something

the conversations , the lies, the codes. 
Its all all irrelevant. Because it was done, that was the straw. 
The voice heard was all it took

i just wanted something to hold onto , 
I've got nothing, 
The fear of losing is now reality. 

Lost all the way, lost all reason. 

A rose and a balloon, doesn't make up for nothing
Paper bills don't make no difference
Your words just didn't mean a damn 
The hurt was real, it was there and it still is. 
the broken glass on the floor, had no reflection 

Still i went back to the very god damn place we started out, all the memories and everything else in between. 

Was i ready to let it go ?
Was that what i intended to happen ?

How do we vindicate the truth?
Do i really want to know what happened?
Do i really believe every word you say ?


This was a side of you, I've seen all along just waiting, like a prey. 
ANGER, was the trigger. 
Time will heal they say, it will , but never recover. 
Time will make you stronger, but it comes with vulnerability 


To the actual truth, i may never find or hear from you . 
But i will be patiently wait for you to reveal. 
To the people around on the vague dark environment, 
the bridge is burnt for you. 
To you , 
i pray to love you again, someday, one day. 

dear me

it happens, it always happens in a relationship.

 they call it normal , but to me its a cry for help. 

being silent and comprising built up by themselves started to fuel up and tend to turn themselves into tears and anger which unable my function to react as a normal human being again. 

i rebelled and went against all the rule of being in a relationship. 

i lost it , it was a unforeseen one time flash with no one to pull the brakes,

the furiousity  of being the strong one just threw the flames into the eyes

and there and then , the drive out the door. it was lost to what we thought would be a good night. 

but as i raved on the night with heavy laughter, melodious humour, my presence wasnt there. 

it got so numb, time swelling on to my skin. what i really wanted was to leave the artificial pain killer

there is was the unexpected causing an uproar scene.  

there was an exception this time, i really wanted to die

those words hit the depth of the core. sanity became insanity. 

minutes, hours and day 

there i was laying on the ground crawled up like a ball, unknown for the fact that my whole world came crashing down worst than ever before. 

constant turbulence emotions in the head, blurred by visions

it pulled it back the pain, i didnt want to grow and have my kids seeing me like this in the future.

its time to grow and give in to face the reality. 

as i look back at myself in the mirror today, 

i scare myself thinking of how horrible i could have been at that second.

and here it comes the sunshine, 

i am glad to have you as a support, my partner

stars beneath us

what defines us ?

love so deep, conquering our souls, it kills our mode to humanity. 

sensitivity, jealousy, priorities comes in our soul when we love someone so deep. 

we can never fight the happiness that drowns our times, but silent creep up slowly as the happiness fade

every beat of my heart, paints in my mind, everyday so much memories. 

i put you on a canvas, you enable to climb out. 

is this suffocation of your very soul 

seconds, minute, hours, days, weeks, months gradually years .

do you want to live in this cycle?

where is your willingness. 

isnt expectation the root to all evil, 

an addition priorities may lead to evilness and disappointments

my words are drying out .

left in the cold dark nights of theses walls.

swallow thoughts

ever felt like you're trap inside some insensible emotion which hurts, but just cant seem to bring it up to anyone? and a remedy to forget the second, was to do something therapeutic , which in some being disagreed by others. instead of getting support, you're being shot down and anger arouses amongst you.

it doesn't matter when even if the other party doesn't understand the pain that you go through,
because somehow you know you can swallow the pain of your own and move on, even with the blame of being something which the other party doesn't agree.

There are somethings which doesn't need to be brought up because we know that its not worth the fight at all.


Do you feel the same?

* rant rant rant*

till now all i know is how to rant in this world of mine.

on the other note, so much is happening around me, so much emotional issues. i just cant explain , i just need someone to talk to about this.i need it now and i know it . i need a fix, i need a gateaway again!

hatred prosperous.

The ones where you gave it your all. The ones you felt that they would be there for you for the whole time. But something happened, or even nothing happened at all. Whatever it was, it caused the friendship to fade. And that friendship turned into acquaintances, and then into strangers. this is the saddest phrase of life and growing up. 

It all feels so pseudo? or am i the pseudo? My life perceptions have always been pure and strong. Everyone deserves a chance to be trusted and be treated equally. ive always been given warning about the possible damage into which my insouciance might yet lead me to pain.

pain which becomes a desire to recover through desperate forgiveness.ive always lived in a  world of greasy, cold faults. you may think its a hideout of runway when in contrast it becomes the total opposite. being the bigger person has always been the motivation. no grudge is all i contain inside of my very bottom soul. correct me, let me grow to be a better person, cause im deeply dying into this threshold if 

come and talk to me. 

dont let us be strangers. 

the couples.

I’m just waiting for the one girl who will protect me, who will make me feel deserving enough to have someone else. I’m waiting for the one girl who will truly understand me, who wants to atleast. Who will not be drived away by emotions, when I try to push them away. Who won’t give up on me. 

i will be that girl .

To the guys out there that don’t notice the smallest things , If a girl is willing to take the time to call you or text you to resolve issues or tension between you and her, then know that she truly does care for you. Don’t ignore her or neglect her, Pick up that phone and talk things out with her in order to resolve those issue. You are someone special in her life and she can’t stand the fact that she might lose you due to some insignificant argument. Learn to forgive and forget, Sometimes you just have to let go of the past and live in the moment, Cherish the time you and her have had and will continue to have in the future. Go make happy memories full of laughs and happiness. Don’t let those insignificant moments of anger get between the both of you and most of all never let her go to sleep mad or sad.

The argumentative couple.

The couple that always fights, yet they never have the guts to leave each other.

The ‘IT’ couple.

The couple that everyone wishes to be. The one couple that everyone looks up too. and wishes to have such a relationship.

The playful couple.

The  relationship everyone wishes they had with their significant one. Where they can play practical jokes on each other, and yet still find each other way too resisting.

The romantic couple.

The couple that always has everything planned out for each other. Anniversaries. Holidays. They both know what to do for one another. and always plans something just to see the other one smile.

The risky couple.

The couple that took the risk of falling in love with each other. And yet, still have the feelings that they had, when they first fell for one another.

The ‘trying’ couple.

The couple that always seems to have most problems. But always keep trying, because losing each other would be the worst thing for them.

The ‘perfect’ couple.

A couple that is just satisfied to have each other. With them, and yet so far away.

which do we fall in ?

insentive

insensitive

i gave you my heart, i gave you my soul, 

i read you my thoughts, and we talked for hours, 

everyday so many talks and cuddles,  

 At night, the people come and go

They talk too fast and walk too slow
Chasing time from hour to hour
I pour the talks and souls
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

losing sight of everything i ever wanted to this stranger. 

rambling thoughts should be dashed out. 

deeper

Shes lost her sanity for words, the lack of sleep does justice to her piece of mind.Like a dark child numb and dumbfounded, bounded to heartbreak.What hurt this child was smtg so close and intimate. Something personal.Someone personal.
Abusive thoughts pondering and floating amongst the air she breathes, she lives and feed on these pain ..when does it ever end?repeatedly shes tried to reposition herself into this cold, endless political world. the consequence will still remain constant and inevitable. is there hope to be bound to truth someone so deep again?how much lies does it take to learn about the truth? insecurity bounds these lies and truths. 

what defines love?

shes lost herself in the world of silence and lies. letting herself believe in a religion and ritual which she didnt deserve to be in. 

all she wanted was to love and be loved, simple and simply. no regrets, no holding back, just pure happiness. day by day flowing through the days without negativity, shouldnt this be what we are living for? waking up to his beautiful smile, being the one for this other soul, merrying along the days. her guards down for this person, believing in his every word, no doubtings, offering a portion of her heart. there is not  a single doubt that she longs for him, his truth his trust his smile, his soul. she recognises the fear of losing him,which is being outgrown by the emotions she has for him. 

however,

purity simple happiness still seems so out of reach for her. 

def: thoughts

THOUGHTS,
 The faculty of thinking or reasoning.

it is this faculty detesting the most. the pale look into your eyes conveys a huge thunder of thoughts in your mind.sitting quietly and patiently for the share of thoughts, as always, but knowingly its deeply killing inside to urge and strangle you to share them. the earthy colour tone of this cubicle walls slowly dying and drowning the sorrow of two earthlings souls. thoughts loomed overhead, soaking two souls in distances containing dirty unsolved emotions. drawing in a breath of the cool , moist air circulating the cubicle, more thoughts grew. like it leech, it stays on until being spotted and brushed off. this time its different, they stayed on and grew. the thoughts of course. it is because of these unsecured, evil, spontaneous thoughts which kills the souls. 

the pain of silence and coldness shattered this one soul. 

could it be the end?

there should be a reasoning for everything should they ?

''self-discipline, although difficult, and not always easy while combatingnegative emotions, should be a defensive measure.  At least we will be able to prevent the advent of negative conduct dominated by negative emotion.  That is 'shila', or moral ethics.  Once we develop this by familiarizing ourselves with it, along with mindfulness and conscientiousness, eventually that pattern and way of life will become a part of our own life."-

faded smile and possesing karma

this certain situation is driving her crazy. one moment she could feel hopeful and have a positive sense of anticipation. the next moment, she feels doomed and everything is about to fail. its inevitable that shes ordinarily a very balanced person, its in her nature. she doesnt allow emotions to seesaw in this way. but right now the potential threat or reward is so great that she has given in to fear and worry, and its putting a huge strain on such a quick occasion. the feeling of insecurities and craving stability is invading the onced balanced mind. maybe its the lack of pragmitical sense of miind.

karma can be a bitch , and she's feeling the burning fire penetrating through her emotions. should she be happy that things are moving on ? but why is the fear and tear overrides such thoughts?

maybe he was right,

' deep inside you know that you still miss me' ,

this was why she kept coming back.

This time it would be different, the once warm hearted opened door, has now shut upon its timeframe. promised and stated words,'ill never find another, and be alone for the rest of my life' ,is being backfired.

but what if. . . . .

she wanted it all back ?

a given chance, to restart over.

realistically, it may all be too late.

late, the door has shut, not a glimpse of light is piercing through.

she wishes him well and pretentiously happy for him on moving on .

goodbye,mybelovedboy

i wrote you a letter, but my ego is not allowing me to send it .

Suffocation

There is nothing simple about being in a relationship. Nothing even remotely complex about it either. Yet why do people mix up the responsibilities of being a partner and that of being a parent to another?

Care.

Just one word.

We all know it. But does that really give anyone the right to try and have full reign over another person's life? To get upset over petty things like style of dressing and the type of hair colour.

A lot of things are in my mind.

But the words of a close friend just keeps ringing in my ears.

"hahahha. you like dating your father only. he just wants to show his masculinity la. aiya. cute la both of you. but how can you tahan? just walk away la. he's not a real partner"

i know he's right.

but this phrase in cantonese is just such a pain sometimes.

"mm seh tak"

is there an english translation to it?

i guess the closest would be "don't have the heart to" but thats not really the words.

but we all go through it at one point or another.

and it really can bring so much demise sometimes.

im so suffocated.

ive forgotten who i am.

FLASH.

saturday. now. right here, in bed writing. unflown words.

in the pass couple of days, things have began to fall apart.negative energy has been holding me back, it has been blocking my progress. it has come to a point where ive realised that i may have taken too much of a burden recently. Firstly , yes i do it for the best intentions,most likely doing the right thing with a commitment, and possible to help others out of the jam. and today, it has finally hit me. ive got to delegate some of them, my mental appearance doesnt seem to be holding up anymore. '' the way you treat people, reflects on how people will treat you '', god that quote just keeps playing in my mind. Friends you say , they do come and go. its perfectly unfair, the people close to my hearts are miles away from where i am,mentally they comfort me, but it would mean the world if they were physically close by my side.

on the other hand, maybe ive been too ambitious on dreams which are implausible . at first, my passions to achieve my goals seemed realistic, but as ive gotten into the more challenging aspects,thoughts of giving up kicked in. At the same time, if i do give up, ill have to deal with regret for a long time to come. STUCK.

Tonight, the drive home was different. Familiarized roads, traffic, signs. Tears streaming , as i hung up the phone. Dissapointments made. Trying hard to keep on speed limit, and suddenly a nasty thought came in mind. what if ive actually steered a little to the left, accelerating , and into the lamp post. Horrified.

theres so much that i should learn to let go. let the petty grievance fall by the wayside. learn to keep up with ending conflicts with a smile and a compassionate approach. Learn to stop lingering on problems and regrets. If i even did learn to sheer my mind and spirit away from the annoyances of life, BLISS.

choices ,everyone opt to make the right ones.

and i choose the right one tonight,

i lived and here i am writing.

but for tonight ill try repelling the bad vibrations by exuding the goods.

And by that, im turning the world away for awhile.

social networkings , turned off.

whatsapp , bbm , OFFED.

hiatus mode ON

good night world.

xx

*devotion of low life

im naked , im lost heading towards a dead end. routeless.

the skies cried a little today. the dense dark clouds hovering it doesnt allow it to leave. this is where comfort hugs and a little companion from a mans best friend is needed. needless to say,gradually the thoughts of little things in life starts to crimp the % of smiles. im quite dysfunctional . i recall my self as a strong minded little creature. i came clean. i suppress my egoist attitude and let the world had its say. the feedbacks werent as great as i thought it would have been . have i walked the wrong path for all this while ?

ramble ramble ramble.

if the misfortunate hadnt happened on the weekends, i wouldnt had lose a friend. words cant never make up what you did.

let me breathe

at home, two person in whom gave me life, the constant issues. let me be and let me live. im no longer that child whom once had no idea what she wants from life. stop making promises which you wont be able to deliver. dictation is not a guiding method.

VACANT: a big heartedly fellow to fill in a big ambiguous female.

are this pictures bright and loving enough to describe my current emotions?

well if you have, im feeling the total opposite of it.

tell me

it aint me babe.

i want to know whats going on in that stubborn little head of yours.
after all the crap talk i typed, not a single reply.
probably was a suspense call.
maybe i am that selfish ?
protocol?
you could have voiced out but you didnt.
and no i didnt intentionally wait. it was just curiosity which conquered my emotions .
you = stubbornly clinging to your pride. not always readily alter opinions and behaviour in the request of others.
Because of your stubborn nature dont you realise it makes it harder to accept that there is no virtue in giving what you want to give, rather than virtue of what maybe wanted or needed.
im not avoiding my faults.
me = helpless when it comes to confrontations. my fear of hurting others and also of hostile situations can keep me from reaching my goals.

maybe its time to sneak a little prayer to God, and seek for help.
( by my words of God, somebody out there, no specific callings )

what you wished for. . has come

absolutely feeling lethargic.

hard breathing respirations.

can you tell me how did this all went wrong?

we shouldnt loath people, as it is as if we are burning our own homes to get rid of a pesty rat. its always ourselves to be blame, not the other party.

goodbye profanities, looking forward to some sort of other way to go through the days.

goodbye to you my wonderful companion.

im ready to breathe the air on the eastern side of this country, mid term breaks im coming.

another day another heartbreak .

*oh yeah . .

hey

why the fuk would you care when the other party thinks youre attacking them

and giving more excuses to yourself for not carrying your responsibility brings things to the next level.

on the other note:

someone wrote this 好想好好爱你 这句话只能藏成秘密 on my wall.

and im sure you know who you are .indeed, we share back and forth situations :)

x

accentuate the positive.

sorry.

my absence has been tagged alongside my horrid experience . my luck ran out i suppose?

today , i met the world of meditation, blank thoughts and i see myself talking to me in the cranium. words whispered:

What do you want? What are you doing?

#1 the farewell of a beloved one, a soulmate a partner in crime from this part of the hallucinating world. sad indeed, his been my safeguard all theway from my first year of uni till present. anyhow, im glad you've finally graduated :) congrats my ben sherman legend .

#2 the absence of my partner in crime caused emotional venturing within myself. where do i stand now? where's my runaway getaway from reality .

#3 deeply missing the lovers you peeps. and yes esp you. at this moment, while im on this verbally expressing my thoughts, you got a fine and a string of unluckiness events. i must definately be a jinx today. bliss NOT!

#4 a hit and hit situation. a bloody bus being irresponsible and irrational and solute into an unfortunate event. what was i tthinking at that moment, a distance was kept between me and the other driver. how did it happen so quickly and me ended up with this.

#5 one particular unit for uni unregistered due to god noes what.

perhaps my mind has packed its luggage and left me to go on hiatus. i feel its discontentedness. perhaps ive to treat it with respect and give it life again! all this negativity must be put into an instance stop. hold on , findafullmoon.

its ok my child, dont hide the tears, as it will resolute into the heart releasing endorphins and the mind will reveal a solution.

utterly unfairness

i just wish at this very point

that people would stop judging our past. its foolish!~

stop accusing me for something which i honeslty did not commit.

get straight to the point, if you cant promise to give a particular thing , own up to it .

don;t ridiculously give accuses and blaming my past.

horrible!

furious, frustrated, dissapointed.

utterly unfairness!

* anticipated disappointments

* bring me back to the streeets of bkk where i belong

anticipated disappointments.

i picture the thought of snuggling up in your arms unexpectedly and see the horrid priceless facial reaction when your eyes awake. its all just thoughts which cant be brought to reality . why not you ask?an unknown source of answer, waiting to be reasoned.

dont back it up, i refuse to listen.

upset.

xx