2017 here we go

seems like its all this new year new me bullshit again. heck, lets get on with it. 

what im looking to achieve on this resolution 

making full use of my gym membership

yep, finally joined the gym, so i need my khloe kardashian body , bring on the squads

create a space of my own 

 a space of whatever and with whoever, this would be a personal journey 

consider on relocating 

this has probably been the end game of our relationship, somewhere new somewhere fresh 

capturing better quality moments

 gotta start taking better videos and photos for us 

smashing out the year with positivity 

 i reckon this would be the most important thing of all, building positivity. its not an easy task, we all speak it but action speaks louder than words. Find positivity is a starving strive everyone wants. Lets keep striving for it , shan't we?

2015 of all

another year passes.
hello there world if you're still reading.
i guess the blogging trend is no longing much a need to the community anymore perhaps?

should we do the typical post of resolutions for the year? yums so much excitement, literally being sarcastic.
more like a reminder for myself , when i get to reflect by 2016.

1, do have what i have always wanted, a place of my own, a store of my own, i believe this would be the year ! its my time to shine!

2, work harder and harder and harder till my bank account grows sporadically

3, learn to be patient and change my ways  of ego . BE ZEN , be me :D

4, hitting my materialistic list

5, work my relationship
_________________________________________________________________________________

The realisations that stampede towards me within the sphere of my bedroom run circles in my head - round and round, bouncing back and forth between the notions of 'i'm losing it' and 'i'm fine'. I can feel fine cracks forming in my mentality, like cracks in a glass pane, surging and splitting with the slightest touch. It is with each moment with and without you I feel the cracks growing. What was once a giant unbreakable wall now lies rubble at my feet, my vulnerability exposed to be prodded and examined by someone from the outside. 
strikes again,  i love you. I'm mostly sure. i never said it to you because mainly i was too scared and i was hoping that you would know somehow. occasionally at the randomest times i would always question you, do you love me? it was just one word i needed to know, even though i know. i just wanted to hear it. the sound of it would kill all of the negativity again. every time i attempt to say it now, it feels also not so us anymore. but yeah, i still love you. Even though sometimes you make me want to physically hurt you and even after all the times you've ( unintentionally ) hurt me, you;ve been pretty great , as a boyfriend and a best friend. the first year has been amazing, and even though it hurts like hell now when we argue, i don't regret getting into this. and don't you say you wish that i didn't like you this much because i do, despite many efforts. when our last fight occur which was 2 days ago, i swell myself up in the wounds of pain. and all you had was your man ego, you ego to never forgive or even apologise just for me. must you be so calculative in this relationship. i used to lay on your bare chest without thoughts, about how the last few moments between us felt right, the current moments felt safe and the next moment was lost in ecstasy. it seems that now when i lay on your bare chest heavy thoughts surrounds, about how not long from now i will be laying on my pillow without you. the kiss on the forehead brings me back to where we are, reassuring me that its fine, that is still how it was. 

what is this i am feeling, where am i to you?
words or thoughts?
just say it to me , fight your ego 

stars beneath us

what defines us ?

love so deep, conquering our souls, it kills our mode to humanity. 

sensitivity, jealousy, priorities comes in our soul when we love someone so deep. 

we can never fight the happiness that drowns our times, but silent creep up slowly as the happiness fade

every beat of my heart, paints in my mind, everyday so much memories. 

i put you on a canvas, you enable to climb out. 

is this suffocation of your very soul 

seconds, minute, hours, days, weeks, months gradually years .

do you want to live in this cycle?

where is your willingness. 

isnt expectation the root to all evil, 

an addition priorities may lead to evilness and disappointments

my words are drying out .

left in the cold dark nights of theses walls.

insentive

insensitive

i gave you my heart, i gave you my soul, 

i read you my thoughts, and we talked for hours, 

everyday so many talks and cuddles,  

 At night, the people come and go

They talk too fast and walk too slow
Chasing time from hour to hour
I pour the talks and souls
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

losing sight of everything i ever wanted to this stranger. 

rambling thoughts should be dashed out. 

deeper

Shes lost her sanity for words, the lack of sleep does justice to her piece of mind.Like a dark child numb and dumbfounded, bounded to heartbreak.What hurt this child was smtg so close and intimate. Something personal.Someone personal.
Abusive thoughts pondering and floating amongst the air she breathes, she lives and feed on these pain ..when does it ever end?repeatedly shes tried to reposition herself into this cold, endless political world. the consequence will still remain constant and inevitable. is there hope to be bound to truth someone so deep again?how much lies does it take to learn about the truth? insecurity bounds these lies and truths. 

what defines love?

shes lost herself in the world of silence and lies. letting herself believe in a religion and ritual which she didnt deserve to be in. 

all she wanted was to love and be loved, simple and simply. no regrets, no holding back, just pure happiness. day by day flowing through the days without negativity, shouldnt this be what we are living for? waking up to his beautiful smile, being the one for this other soul, merrying along the days. her guards down for this person, believing in his every word, no doubtings, offering a portion of her heart. there is not  a single doubt that she longs for him, his truth his trust his smile, his soul. she recognises the fear of losing him,which is being outgrown by the emotions she has for him. 

however,

purity simple happiness still seems so out of reach for her. 

def: thoughts

THOUGHTS,
 The faculty of thinking or reasoning.

it is this faculty detesting the most. the pale look into your eyes conveys a huge thunder of thoughts in your mind.sitting quietly and patiently for the share of thoughts, as always, but knowingly its deeply killing inside to urge and strangle you to share them. the earthy colour tone of this cubicle walls slowly dying and drowning the sorrow of two earthlings souls. thoughts loomed overhead, soaking two souls in distances containing dirty unsolved emotions. drawing in a breath of the cool , moist air circulating the cubicle, more thoughts grew. like it leech, it stays on until being spotted and brushed off. this time its different, they stayed on and grew. the thoughts of course. it is because of these unsecured, evil, spontaneous thoughts which kills the souls. 

the pain of silence and coldness shattered this one soul. 

could it be the end?

there should be a reasoning for everything should they ?

''self-discipline, although difficult, and not always easy while combatingnegative emotions, should be a defensive measure.  At least we will be able to prevent the advent of negative conduct dominated by negative emotion.  That is 'shila', or moral ethics.  Once we develop this by familiarizing ourselves with it, along with mindfulness and conscientiousness, eventually that pattern and way of life will become a part of our own life."-

* tame tame tame

tame your soul ,
and i adore you because youre a no-body.

and what you see are not shattered streets,

but rather, within you, your own crushed walls,

your frustrated infinity, again the city comes

crashing down: in your silence, only water's threat

faded smile and possesing karma

this certain situation is driving her crazy. one moment she could feel hopeful and have a positive sense of anticipation. the next moment, she feels doomed and everything is about to fail. its inevitable that shes ordinarily a very balanced person, its in her nature. she doesnt allow emotions to seesaw in this way. but right now the potential threat or reward is so great that she has given in to fear and worry, and its putting a huge strain on such a quick occasion. the feeling of insecurities and craving stability is invading the onced balanced mind. maybe its the lack of pragmitical sense of miind.

karma can be a bitch , and she's feeling the burning fire penetrating through her emotions. should she be happy that things are moving on ? but why is the fear and tear overrides such thoughts?

maybe he was right,

' deep inside you know that you still miss me' ,

this was why she kept coming back.

This time it would be different, the once warm hearted opened door, has now shut upon its timeframe. promised and stated words,'ill never find another, and be alone for the rest of my life' ,is being backfired.

but what if. . . . .

she wanted it all back ?

a given chance, to restart over.

realistically, it may all be too late.

late, the door has shut, not a glimpse of light is piercing through.

she wishes him well and pretentiously happy for him on moving on .

goodbye,mybelovedboy

i wrote you a letter, but my ego is not allowing me to send it .

not an opinion but a rewrite.

frozen fingers and feet were quickly diminished into the warmth given. sheets tangled and so were they,twisted and wrapped inside the warmth of each other. the moment swell between laughter, soft whisper and some silence; the perfect resilience moment. her little fingers grasps between his blushing cheeks gently. each movement felt so clear as though as it was a movie viewing from another angle. nevertheless, it is taking in every bit of this new person that scares her and she wanted so badly to retreat and not allow herself feel this vulnerable, when the predictable outcome could led to another pain. it feels all too familiar to her but so much better. the game plans immediately changed, when one night she realized that everyone deserves a chance. for once, she's drown in confusion. Her thoughts are erratic and change with every word she jot downs.

should the chances be taken ?

why let this beautiful stranger in , when she has never let her guards down to any other before?

why was it this person that she succumbed to ?

how did she get here?

but for now all she can hope for is that this time- it doesn't hurt as much.

just another hit and run ?

xx

*devotion of low life

im naked , im lost heading towards a dead end. routeless.

the skies cried a little today. the dense dark clouds hovering it doesnt allow it to leave. this is where comfort hugs and a little companion from a mans best friend is needed. needless to say,gradually the thoughts of little things in life starts to crimp the % of smiles. im quite dysfunctional . i recall my self as a strong minded little creature. i came clean. i suppress my egoist attitude and let the world had its say. the feedbacks werent as great as i thought it would have been . have i walked the wrong path for all this while ?

ramble ramble ramble.

if the misfortunate hadnt happened on the weekends, i wouldnt had lose a friend. words cant never make up what you did.

let me breathe

at home, two person in whom gave me life, the constant issues. let me be and let me live. im no longer that child whom once had no idea what she wants from life. stop making promises which you wont be able to deliver. dictation is not a guiding method.

VACANT: a big heartedly fellow to fill in a big ambiguous female.

it aint me babe.

i want to know whats going on in that stubborn little head of yours.
after all the crap talk i typed, not a single reply.
probably was a suspense call.
maybe i am that selfish ?
protocol?
you could have voiced out but you didnt.
and no i didnt intentionally wait. it was just curiosity which conquered my emotions .
you = stubbornly clinging to your pride. not always readily alter opinions and behaviour in the request of others.
Because of your stubborn nature dont you realise it makes it harder to accept that there is no virtue in giving what you want to give, rather than virtue of what maybe wanted or needed.
im not avoiding my faults.
me = helpless when it comes to confrontations. my fear of hurting others and also of hostile situations can keep me from reaching my goals.

maybe its time to sneak a little prayer to God, and seek for help.
( by my words of God, somebody out there, no specific callings )

what you wished for. . has come

absolutely feeling lethargic.

hard breathing respirations.

can you tell me how did this all went wrong?

we shouldnt loath people, as it is as if we are burning our own homes to get rid of a pesty rat. its always ourselves to be blame, not the other party.

goodbye profanities, looking forward to some sort of other way to go through the days.

goodbye to you my wonderful companion.

im ready to breathe the air on the eastern side of this country, mid term breaks im coming.

another day another heartbreak .

''Whatever it is you are feeling is a perfect reflection of what is in the process of becoming''

in less than half an hour , i began to learn about the secret.

im a moving mountain, and hopefully ill bloom into a an eruption-less volcano

''We don't need to complicate all the "reasons" behind our emotions. It's much simpler than that. Two categories .. good feelings, bad feelings''

*take a little bit . .

similar to what obs3ssionsz blogged about before, a picture worth a thousand words.
the perfect snap
whatever i'm seeing is in my head. unsure.
whatever i'm feeling is in my actions. unchange.
fear to get thrilled dreams, when the consequence haunts you in the morning.
what is the definition of a perfect relation? a love story?
can we fall without altering who we really are within.

WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO ME!
nevertheless, my career comes first, priority!
no matter the distance or obstacles, sacrifices should be made.


i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
i lift my lids and all is born again.
(i think i made you up inside my head.)

the stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
and arbitrary blackness gallops in:
i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

i dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
and sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade;
exit seraphim and Satan's men:
i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

-slyvia plath, made love girl song

inevitably life's going at the same pace at the moment,

same faces, same conversation

at a stage i took the time and space ,

realised that i was never like this,

usually lying on your bare chest there were empty thoughts, nothing but peace and serendipity,

gradually i lost his ecstasy.

heavy thoughts overcame the empty thoughts.

however, when a kiss on the forehead appeared, it brought me back to reality that everything is fine.;; everything was fine.

what was the problem?

i take the courage to ponder,
do you really want this anymore?

*breakthough

'my feelings for you has, like a fever, taken its course. Back then we thought we had a flame, I know now it was just an infection.''

*oh balloons,take me away with you.

one thing. . you disgust me with your hypocritical lies. . nevaeh quit trying to patch things up.

...

thats it. . why even return when there's a better one ahead waiting. why even bother, when all we had , already turned into dust, and came together again thru lust.

....

what goes up must come down one day . .

maybe towards you, my hopes have fall. . but ill still pretend like its sitll there.

sorry

*missingyou

nevaeh is losing it. .

playing the wrong card game was bad,

making herself believe into something which she wanted to believe in her own delusional world was even worst. karma oh karma! why now?

things are about to get nastier .. . . .

game over for you boy!.

next. .

x

can i be the girl that you met at the coin laundry :)

i met casanova.

he took me places, i never knew existed.

but it lasted for awhile,

it was temporary,

casanova left me in the dark silently

and now im left in the tranquil of smiling darkness.

ps: will you still love me if i stopped bloggin :)

HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND!

x

today i thought you how to be a man .

literally, outside your doorstep, still the call.

the moment tears could be silently heard over the phone

that was the turning point where i finally could break my apologies, with no regrets.

thanks for the good memories.

the soul is relief to see such a progress.

Do your best during the relationship, not after.

Because efforts are no longer appreciated

Single, doesn't mean that you know nothing bout love.

Fact, being solo is wiser than being in a wrong relationship.

the anchor has been lifted, the ship is ready to sail . . .

and away it goes.

a burden is lifted. . .

nevertheless, you'll always be my fav boy :*)

xx