give me something , sad soul

a fresh new week begins,

but i still could remember every single second and moment of the whole downfall 

it was that moment which made me believe all the cliche quotes

'learn to love yourself more'

This probably happens to every 3 out of 5 girls. The pain and the heartache, the deep heartaches. The ones which gives you that minty feeling inside your chest. The negative thoughts clouding the mind, over thinking to the point where its not analysing. 

Shall you ever believe in love again? Or even this person again?

this brutal act can never be forgotten , ever. 

Closing in the dark light. 

There is loneliness, the one person which we can ever rely on, ourselves. 

Recapping the moment, sharp words were ripped out by in the car. It just came by so quickly , when anger and stress hits the spot, it all goes amuk. And there it was, walking away. This was the mistaken . No one should ever walk away during an intense argument. NEVER

Tears streaming, it was obvious. The soul returns to its humble base filled with emotional negativities. 

It was then ANGER grew to frustration and MORE LIES. 

 A place where it will always be my everything, it opened its doors to me. Without hesitation, i took hostage inside but it was dark and empty, alone. It was evident, thoughts and more thoughts. 

I needed distraction, i got some but it didn't last. 

Telling myself to go to bed, shut my brain . It just kept going, until that phone call. 

The phone call which distinguish the whole plot of this. 

Laughing to myself, what a waste of space, this bullshit act of friends you have. 

RIDICULOUS. 

despite it all, i still have to save you from all this

Did you really think i deserve this?

Something inside persuaded me to take charge, i did. MISTAKE

Maybe someone up there is really testing my ability to love
this is life worth living ?
faith is broken,
hands are bounded

that cold call, what you say tells me nothing
whats the truth, give me something

the conversations , the lies, the codes. 
Its all all irrelevant. Because it was done, that was the straw. 
The voice heard was all it took

i just wanted something to hold onto , 
I've got nothing, 
The fear of losing is now reality. 

Lost all the way, lost all reason. 

A rose and a balloon, doesn't make up for nothing
Paper bills don't make no difference
Your words just didn't mean a damn 
The hurt was real, it was there and it still is. 
the broken glass on the floor, had no reflection 

Still i went back to the very god damn place we started out, all the memories and everything else in between. 

Was i ready to let it go ?
Was that what i intended to happen ?

How do we vindicate the truth?
Do i really want to know what happened?
Do i really believe every word you say ?


This was a side of you, I've seen all along just waiting, like a prey. 
ANGER, was the trigger. 
Time will heal they say, it will , but never recover. 
Time will make you stronger, but it comes with vulnerability 


To the actual truth, i may never find or hear from you . 
But i will be patiently wait for you to reveal. 
To the people around on the vague dark environment, 
the bridge is burnt for you. 
To you , 
i pray to love you again, someday, one day. 

2015 of all

another year passes.
hello there world if you're still reading.
i guess the blogging trend is no longing much a need to the community anymore perhaps?

should we do the typical post of resolutions for the year? yums so much excitement, literally being sarcastic.
more like a reminder for myself , when i get to reflect by 2016.

1, do have what i have always wanted, a place of my own, a store of my own, i believe this would be the year ! its my time to shine!

2, work harder and harder and harder till my bank account grows sporadically

3, learn to be patient and change my ways  of ego . BE ZEN , be me :D

4, hitting my materialistic list

5, work my relationship
_________________________________________________________________________________

The realisations that stampede towards me within the sphere of my bedroom run circles in my head - round and round, bouncing back and forth between the notions of 'i'm losing it' and 'i'm fine'. I can feel fine cracks forming in my mentality, like cracks in a glass pane, surging and splitting with the slightest touch. It is with each moment with and without you I feel the cracks growing. What was once a giant unbreakable wall now lies rubble at my feet, my vulnerability exposed to be prodded and examined by someone from the outside. 
strikes again,  i love you. I'm mostly sure. i never said it to you because mainly i was too scared and i was hoping that you would know somehow. occasionally at the randomest times i would always question you, do you love me? it was just one word i needed to know, even though i know. i just wanted to hear it. the sound of it would kill all of the negativity again. every time i attempt to say it now, it feels also not so us anymore. but yeah, i still love you. Even though sometimes you make me want to physically hurt you and even after all the times you've ( unintentionally ) hurt me, you;ve been pretty great , as a boyfriend and a best friend. the first year has been amazing, and even though it hurts like hell now when we argue, i don't regret getting into this. and don't you say you wish that i didn't like you this much because i do, despite many efforts. when our last fight occur which was 2 days ago, i swell myself up in the wounds of pain. and all you had was your man ego, you ego to never forgive or even apologise just for me. must you be so calculative in this relationship. i used to lay on your bare chest without thoughts, about how the last few moments between us felt right, the current moments felt safe and the next moment was lost in ecstasy. it seems that now when i lay on your bare chest heavy thoughts surrounds, about how not long from now i will be laying on my pillow without you. the kiss on the forehead brings me back to where we are, reassuring me that its fine, that is still how it was. 

what is this i am feeling, where am i to you?
words or thoughts?
just say it to me , fight your ego 

dear me

it happens, it always happens in a relationship.

 they call it normal , but to me its a cry for help. 

being silent and comprising built up by themselves started to fuel up and tend to turn themselves into tears and anger which unable my function to react as a normal human being again. 

i rebelled and went against all the rule of being in a relationship. 

i lost it , it was a unforeseen one time flash with no one to pull the brakes,

the furiousity  of being the strong one just threw the flames into the eyes

and there and then , the drive out the door. it was lost to what we thought would be a good night. 

but as i raved on the night with heavy laughter, melodious humour, my presence wasnt there. 

it got so numb, time swelling on to my skin. what i really wanted was to leave the artificial pain killer

there is was the unexpected causing an uproar scene.  

there was an exception this time, i really wanted to die

those words hit the depth of the core. sanity became insanity. 

minutes, hours and day 

there i was laying on the ground crawled up like a ball, unknown for the fact that my whole world came crashing down worst than ever before. 

constant turbulence emotions in the head, blurred by visions

it pulled it back the pain, i didnt want to grow and have my kids seeing me like this in the future.

its time to grow and give in to face the reality. 

as i look back at myself in the mirror today, 

i scare myself thinking of how horrible i could have been at that second.

and here it comes the sunshine, 

i am glad to have you as a support, my partner

stars beneath us

what defines us ?

love so deep, conquering our souls, it kills our mode to humanity. 

sensitivity, jealousy, priorities comes in our soul when we love someone so deep. 

we can never fight the happiness that drowns our times, but silent creep up slowly as the happiness fade

every beat of my heart, paints in my mind, everyday so much memories. 

i put you on a canvas, you enable to climb out. 

is this suffocation of your very soul 

seconds, minute, hours, days, weeks, months gradually years .

do you want to live in this cycle?

where is your willingness. 

isnt expectation the root to all evil, 

an addition priorities may lead to evilness and disappointments

my words are drying out .

left in the cold dark nights of theses walls.

swallow thoughts

ever felt like you're trap inside some insensible emotion which hurts, but just cant seem to bring it up to anyone? and a remedy to forget the second, was to do something therapeutic , which in some being disagreed by others. instead of getting support, you're being shot down and anger arouses amongst you.

it doesn't matter when even if the other party doesn't understand the pain that you go through,
because somehow you know you can swallow the pain of your own and move on, even with the blame of being something which the other party doesn't agree.

There are somethings which doesn't need to be brought up because we know that its not worth the fight at all.


Do you feel the same?

* rant rant rant*

till now all i know is how to rant in this world of mine.

on the other note, so much is happening around me, so much emotional issues. i just cant explain , i just need someone to talk to about this.i need it now and i know it . i need a fix, i need a gateaway again!

hatred prosperous.

The ones where you gave it your all. The ones you felt that they would be there for you for the whole time. But something happened, or even nothing happened at all. Whatever it was, it caused the friendship to fade. And that friendship turned into acquaintances, and then into strangers. this is the saddest phrase of life and growing up. 

It all feels so pseudo? or am i the pseudo? My life perceptions have always been pure and strong. Everyone deserves a chance to be trusted and be treated equally. ive always been given warning about the possible damage into which my insouciance might yet lead me to pain.

pain which becomes a desire to recover through desperate forgiveness.ive always lived in a  world of greasy, cold faults. you may think its a hideout of runway when in contrast it becomes the total opposite. being the bigger person has always been the motivation. no grudge is all i contain inside of my very bottom soul. correct me, let me grow to be a better person, cause im deeply dying into this threshold if 

come and talk to me. 

dont let us be strangers. 

v e r t s

How beautiful is it to stay silent

When someone expects you to be enraged from them.

And how beautiful it is to laugh

When someone thinks you are going to shed tears.

"RESPECT YOURSELF ENOUGH TO WALK AWAY FROM ANYTHING THAT NO LONGER SERVES YOU, GROWS YOU, OR MAKES YOU HAPPY."

Extrovert vs. Introvert

There is this common misconception about the natural behaviour of extroverts and introverts; extroverts are often times characterized as being lively and talkative, while introverts are naturally quiet and withdrawn.
This isn’t true. It’s correct that when you meet someone shy and quiet they will more likely be and introvert than an extrovert; however, this doesn’t mean that introverts are naturally shy, or that shy people always have to be introverts. On the contrary, introverts can be very talkative and discuss topics that intrest them for hours on end.

The actual definition of an Introvert is someone who draws energy from being alone with their thoughts, while Extroverts draw their energy from being with others.

Introverts are people can who draw energy from being alone with their thoughts. They enjoy, and sometimes even need, a deep conversation with people they trust; they often don’t like small talk, or rather often don’t see the point in it. But after a while they will feel the need to be alone again, to recharge and sort out things on their own.
Extroverts on the other hand, are people who draw their energy from being with others. They can enjoy being alone with their ideas and dreams just as an introverts can enjoy being around people, yet after a while they will feel the need to interact with others to fill up their energy

deeper

Shes lost her sanity for words, the lack of sleep does justice to her piece of mind.Like a dark child numb and dumbfounded, bounded to heartbreak.What hurt this child was smtg so close and intimate. Something personal.Someone personal.
Abusive thoughts pondering and floating amongst the air she breathes, she lives and feed on these pain ..when does it ever end?repeatedly shes tried to reposition herself into this cold, endless political world. the consequence will still remain constant and inevitable. is there hope to be bound to truth someone so deep again?how much lies does it take to learn about the truth? insecurity bounds these lies and truths. 

what defines love?

shes lost herself in the world of silence and lies. letting herself believe in a religion and ritual which she didnt deserve to be in. 

all she wanted was to love and be loved, simple and simply. no regrets, no holding back, just pure happiness. day by day flowing through the days without negativity, shouldnt this be what we are living for? waking up to his beautiful smile, being the one for this other soul, merrying along the days. her guards down for this person, believing in his every word, no doubtings, offering a portion of her heart. there is not  a single doubt that she longs for him, his truth his trust his smile, his soul. she recognises the fear of losing him,which is being outgrown by the emotions she has for him. 

however,

purity simple happiness still seems so out of reach for her. 

def: thoughts

THOUGHTS,
 The faculty of thinking or reasoning.

it is this faculty detesting the most. the pale look into your eyes conveys a huge thunder of thoughts in your mind.sitting quietly and patiently for the share of thoughts, as always, but knowingly its deeply killing inside to urge and strangle you to share them. the earthy colour tone of this cubicle walls slowly dying and drowning the sorrow of two earthlings souls. thoughts loomed overhead, soaking two souls in distances containing dirty unsolved emotions. drawing in a breath of the cool , moist air circulating the cubicle, more thoughts grew. like it leech, it stays on until being spotted and brushed off. this time its different, they stayed on and grew. the thoughts of course. it is because of these unsecured, evil, spontaneous thoughts which kills the souls. 

the pain of silence and coldness shattered this one soul. 

could it be the end?

there should be a reasoning for everything should they ?

''self-discipline, although difficult, and not always easy while combatingnegative emotions, should be a defensive measure.  At least we will be able to prevent the advent of negative conduct dominated by negative emotion.  That is 'shila', or moral ethics.  Once we develop this by familiarizing ourselves with it, along with mindfulness and conscientiousness, eventually that pattern and way of life will become a part of our own life."-

faded smile and possesing karma

this certain situation is driving her crazy. one moment she could feel hopeful and have a positive sense of anticipation. the next moment, she feels doomed and everything is about to fail. its inevitable that shes ordinarily a very balanced person, its in her nature. she doesnt allow emotions to seesaw in this way. but right now the potential threat or reward is so great that she has given in to fear and worry, and its putting a huge strain on such a quick occasion. the feeling of insecurities and craving stability is invading the onced balanced mind. maybe its the lack of pragmitical sense of miind.

karma can be a bitch , and she's feeling the burning fire penetrating through her emotions. should she be happy that things are moving on ? but why is the fear and tear overrides such thoughts?

maybe he was right,

' deep inside you know that you still miss me' ,

this was why she kept coming back.

This time it would be different, the once warm hearted opened door, has now shut upon its timeframe. promised and stated words,'ill never find another, and be alone for the rest of my life' ,is being backfired.

but what if. . . . .

she wanted it all back ?

a given chance, to restart over.

realistically, it may all be too late.

late, the door has shut, not a glimpse of light is piercing through.

she wishes him well and pretentiously happy for him on moving on .

goodbye,mybelovedboy

i wrote you a letter, but my ego is not allowing me to send it .

over the pass months, boulder of challenges have literally knocked down. due to this a tough nutshell of mine is formed, hence creating a less vulnerable and more cynical self. its time to let go of old feelings that no longer have a use for in this. those feelings might include regret over a path not taken , or probably anger at someone who betrayed the trust, or maybe sadness over someone whom let me down. while at it, letting go of self doubt, guilt over poor choice or an error in judgement comes vital. when all these useless emotions are shed away, the dazzling person in me shines. dreams will be free to reach and waiting to be revealed. believe me.

FLASH.

saturday. now. right here, in bed writing. unflown words.

in the pass couple of days, things have began to fall apart.negative energy has been holding me back, it has been blocking my progress. it has come to a point where ive realised that i may have taken too much of a burden recently. Firstly , yes i do it for the best intentions,most likely doing the right thing with a commitment, and possible to help others out of the jam. and today, it has finally hit me. ive got to delegate some of them, my mental appearance doesnt seem to be holding up anymore. '' the way you treat people, reflects on how people will treat you '', god that quote just keeps playing in my mind. Friends you say , they do come and go. its perfectly unfair, the people close to my hearts are miles away from where i am,mentally they comfort me, but it would mean the world if they were physically close by my side.

on the other hand, maybe ive been too ambitious on dreams which are implausible . at first, my passions to achieve my goals seemed realistic, but as ive gotten into the more challenging aspects,thoughts of giving up kicked in. At the same time, if i do give up, ill have to deal with regret for a long time to come. STUCK.

Tonight, the drive home was different. Familiarized roads, traffic, signs. Tears streaming , as i hung up the phone. Dissapointments made. Trying hard to keep on speed limit, and suddenly a nasty thought came in mind. what if ive actually steered a little to the left, accelerating , and into the lamp post. Horrified.

theres so much that i should learn to let go. let the petty grievance fall by the wayside. learn to keep up with ending conflicts with a smile and a compassionate approach. Learn to stop lingering on problems and regrets. If i even did learn to sheer my mind and spirit away from the annoyances of life, BLISS.

choices ,everyone opt to make the right ones.

and i choose the right one tonight,

i lived and here i am writing.

but for tonight ill try repelling the bad vibrations by exuding the goods.

And by that, im turning the world away for awhile.

social networkings , turned off.

whatsapp , bbm , OFFED.

hiatus mode ON

good night world.

xx

noctures

have a good weekend ;)

Even my smile has a shadow

Jeers at my sadness

Like a dry well without water

I use a sad but beautiful font

To describe that love that is too late to regret

not an opinion but a rewrite.

frozen fingers and feet were quickly diminished into the warmth given. sheets tangled and so were they,twisted and wrapped inside the warmth of each other. the moment swell between laughter, soft whisper and some silence; the perfect resilience moment. her little fingers grasps between his blushing cheeks gently. each movement felt so clear as though as it was a movie viewing from another angle. nevertheless, it is taking in every bit of this new person that scares her and she wanted so badly to retreat and not allow herself feel this vulnerable, when the predictable outcome could led to another pain. it feels all too familiar to her but so much better. the game plans immediately changed, when one night she realized that everyone deserves a chance. for once, she's drown in confusion. Her thoughts are erratic and change with every word she jot downs.

should the chances be taken ?

why let this beautiful stranger in , when she has never let her guards down to any other before?

why was it this person that she succumbed to ?

how did she get here?

but for now all she can hope for is that this time- it doesn't hurt as much.

just another hit and run ?

xx

hi ! im i what you're looking for. . because you've got the arms I want to be wrapped in, the eyes I want to get lost in, and the voice I want to wake up to every morning.

你不应该想他了...我应该继续前进

ps: i died a little inside , knowing that it would be monday tomorrow. Dear time, could you slow down just a little , i cant keep up!

nights xx

*the ache of the . .

BRING me back the sun shiny days of Melbourne :*(

the semester is beginning again, not as pumped up as i thought i would be. probably due to the cramps i have at the moment. Not to please with the timetable due to full fridays. gah! oh wells, lets hope all goes well this sem!

Alright, this is what ive been up to for the pass two nights. Youtubing and reading on articles about Bersih 2.0. At its formation, BERSIH comprised civil society organisations and political parties with the objective of campaigning for clean and fair elections in Malaysia. In case for you foreigner readers out there, its a peaceful protest which took place on the 9th July, streets of Kuala Lumpur by the citizens. the aim was to effectively monitor and demand for a clean political divide.

After hours of viewing horrible and frightening scenes captioned, one word came to mind, SHAME on the government. What is the meaning of government, Mr Prime Minister? Would you care to explain? Maybe all the corruption power has preluded you into the forgotten world of the people's rights and freedom. Doesnt government define the voice and representation of the people. So why are these citizen out there working together as as one to get their voice out. Why are they risking their lives out there protesting for a fair go? Oh and why am i even expressing the people as ''risking their lives''. That is definately not right!its not democratic once, the police force starts abusing the people for freedom of speech. Its not bloody democratic that people are being detained because they are forced to get their IC'S consfiscated by the police.

Shouldnt the government be protecting the people, instead of non negotiating and smoked them all in tear gases unnoticeably. ABSURB!

Malaysia is made out of many diverse groups of nationality, but for this one issue they all came together and reunite. Doesnt this show you how significantly poor the trust between the citizens and the government have?How the ruling power this masked by greed and corruption.

Bless the respected leaders such as Nurul Izzah Anwar, R Sivarasa and etc. Their strong support on Bersih and actions have been accused for organizing an illegal gathering, and this was more than an accused, it was a fine!All are being investigated under Section 4(1) of the Sedition Act and Section 27(5) of the Police Act in relation to the recent 'launch' of the Bersih 2.0 rally.What is this nonsense?!

At the end of the night, i come to think what if Malaysia turned out to be a third world country, like Israel or Pakistan. What would the street of Jln Bukit Bintang be like? Army tanks surrounding the city and patrolling. . pFTTT. .i could go on and on and rant about the whole issue.But maybe i ishouldnt , because who knows the government might track me down on findafullmoon and come hunt and charge me for nternal Security Act, just like Raja Petra( a name whom i dearly adore for his courage to write as he speaks, a true man!)

ANyhow, below would be a video which really touched my heart, and caused little tears. Rip to the brave man who stood up with the crowd whom all wanted to literally ''save'' the country. May Allah be with you!Oh not to forgot that man at the end picking up thrash, YOURE A STAR! . :people like you make Malaysians proud :)

nights yall

xx

*devotion of low life

im naked , im lost heading towards a dead end. routeless.

the skies cried a little today. the dense dark clouds hovering it doesnt allow it to leave. this is where comfort hugs and a little companion from a mans best friend is needed. needless to say,gradually the thoughts of little things in life starts to crimp the % of smiles. im quite dysfunctional . i recall my self as a strong minded little creature. i came clean. i suppress my egoist attitude and let the world had its say. the feedbacks werent as great as i thought it would have been . have i walked the wrong path for all this while ?

ramble ramble ramble.

if the misfortunate hadnt happened on the weekends, i wouldnt had lose a friend. words cant never make up what you did.

let me breathe

at home, two person in whom gave me life, the constant issues. let me be and let me live. im no longer that child whom once had no idea what she wants from life. stop making promises which you wont be able to deliver. dictation is not a guiding method.

VACANT: a big heartedly fellow to fill in a big ambiguous female.

are this pictures bright and loving enough to describe my current emotions?

well if you have, im feeling the total opposite of it.

tell me

it aint me babe.

i want to know whats going on in that stubborn little head of yours.
after all the crap talk i typed, not a single reply.
probably was a suspense call.
maybe i am that selfish ?
protocol?
you could have voiced out but you didnt.
and no i didnt intentionally wait. it was just curiosity which conquered my emotions .
you = stubbornly clinging to your pride. not always readily alter opinions and behaviour in the request of others.
Because of your stubborn nature dont you realise it makes it harder to accept that there is no virtue in giving what you want to give, rather than virtue of what maybe wanted or needed.
im not avoiding my faults.
me = helpless when it comes to confrontations. my fear of hurting others and also of hostile situations can keep me from reaching my goals.

maybe its time to sneak a little prayer to God, and seek for help.
( by my words of God, somebody out there, no specific callings )