give me something , sad soul

a fresh new week begins,

but i still could remember every single second and moment of the whole downfall 

it was that moment which made me believe all the cliche quotes

'learn to love yourself more'

This probably happens to every 3 out of 5 girls. The pain and the heartache, the deep heartaches. The ones which gives you that minty feeling inside your chest. The negative thoughts clouding the mind, over thinking to the point where its not analysing. 

Shall you ever believe in love again? Or even this person again?

this brutal act can never be forgotten , ever. 

Closing in the dark light. 

There is loneliness, the one person which we can ever rely on, ourselves. 

Recapping the moment, sharp words were ripped out by in the car. It just came by so quickly , when anger and stress hits the spot, it all goes amuk. And there it was, walking away. This was the mistaken . No one should ever walk away during an intense argument. NEVER

Tears streaming, it was obvious. The soul returns to its humble base filled with emotional negativities. 

It was then ANGER grew to frustration and MORE LIES. 

 A place where it will always be my everything, it opened its doors to me. Without hesitation, i took hostage inside but it was dark and empty, alone. It was evident, thoughts and more thoughts. 

I needed distraction, i got some but it didn't last. 

Telling myself to go to bed, shut my brain . It just kept going, until that phone call. 

The phone call which distinguish the whole plot of this. 

Laughing to myself, what a waste of space, this bullshit act of friends you have. 

RIDICULOUS. 

despite it all, i still have to save you from all this

Did you really think i deserve this?

Something inside persuaded me to take charge, i did. MISTAKE

Maybe someone up there is really testing my ability to love
this is life worth living ?
faith is broken,
hands are bounded

that cold call, what you say tells me nothing
whats the truth, give me something

the conversations , the lies, the codes. 
Its all all irrelevant. Because it was done, that was the straw. 
The voice heard was all it took

i just wanted something to hold onto , 
I've got nothing, 
The fear of losing is now reality. 

Lost all the way, lost all reason. 

A rose and a balloon, doesn't make up for nothing
Paper bills don't make no difference
Your words just didn't mean a damn 
The hurt was real, it was there and it still is. 
the broken glass on the floor, had no reflection 

Still i went back to the very god damn place we started out, all the memories and everything else in between. 

Was i ready to let it go ?
Was that what i intended to happen ?

How do we vindicate the truth?
Do i really want to know what happened?
Do i really believe every word you say ?


This was a side of you, I've seen all along just waiting, like a prey. 
ANGER, was the trigger. 
Time will heal they say, it will , but never recover. 
Time will make you stronger, but it comes with vulnerability 


To the actual truth, i may never find or hear from you . 
But i will be patiently wait for you to reveal. 
To the people around on the vague dark environment, 
the bridge is burnt for you. 
To you , 
i pray to love you again, someday, one day. 

2015 of all

another year passes.
hello there world if you're still reading.
i guess the blogging trend is no longing much a need to the community anymore perhaps?

should we do the typical post of resolutions for the year? yums so much excitement, literally being sarcastic.
more like a reminder for myself , when i get to reflect by 2016.

1, do have what i have always wanted, a place of my own, a store of my own, i believe this would be the year ! its my time to shine!

2, work harder and harder and harder till my bank account grows sporadically

3, learn to be patient and change my ways  of ego . BE ZEN , be me :D

4, hitting my materialistic list

5, work my relationship
_________________________________________________________________________________

The realisations that stampede towards me within the sphere of my bedroom run circles in my head - round and round, bouncing back and forth between the notions of 'i'm losing it' and 'i'm fine'. I can feel fine cracks forming in my mentality, like cracks in a glass pane, surging and splitting with the slightest touch. It is with each moment with and without you I feel the cracks growing. What was once a giant unbreakable wall now lies rubble at my feet, my vulnerability exposed to be prodded and examined by someone from the outside. 
strikes again,  i love you. I'm mostly sure. i never said it to you because mainly i was too scared and i was hoping that you would know somehow. occasionally at the randomest times i would always question you, do you love me? it was just one word i needed to know, even though i know. i just wanted to hear it. the sound of it would kill all of the negativity again. every time i attempt to say it now, it feels also not so us anymore. but yeah, i still love you. Even though sometimes you make me want to physically hurt you and even after all the times you've ( unintentionally ) hurt me, you;ve been pretty great , as a boyfriend and a best friend. the first year has been amazing, and even though it hurts like hell now when we argue, i don't regret getting into this. and don't you say you wish that i didn't like you this much because i do, despite many efforts. when our last fight occur which was 2 days ago, i swell myself up in the wounds of pain. and all you had was your man ego, you ego to never forgive or even apologise just for me. must you be so calculative in this relationship. i used to lay on your bare chest without thoughts, about how the last few moments between us felt right, the current moments felt safe and the next moment was lost in ecstasy. it seems that now when i lay on your bare chest heavy thoughts surrounds, about how not long from now i will be laying on my pillow without you. the kiss on the forehead brings me back to where we are, reassuring me that its fine, that is still how it was. 

what is this i am feeling, where am i to you?
words or thoughts?
just say it to me , fight your ego 

dear me

it happens, it always happens in a relationship.

 they call it normal , but to me its a cry for help. 

being silent and comprising built up by themselves started to fuel up and tend to turn themselves into tears and anger which unable my function to react as a normal human being again. 

i rebelled and went against all the rule of being in a relationship. 

i lost it , it was a unforeseen one time flash with no one to pull the brakes,

the furiousity  of being the strong one just threw the flames into the eyes

and there and then , the drive out the door. it was lost to what we thought would be a good night. 

but as i raved on the night with heavy laughter, melodious humour, my presence wasnt there. 

it got so numb, time swelling on to my skin. what i really wanted was to leave the artificial pain killer

there is was the unexpected causing an uproar scene.  

there was an exception this time, i really wanted to die

those words hit the depth of the core. sanity became insanity. 

minutes, hours and day 

there i was laying on the ground crawled up like a ball, unknown for the fact that my whole world came crashing down worst than ever before. 

constant turbulence emotions in the head, blurred by visions

it pulled it back the pain, i didnt want to grow and have my kids seeing me like this in the future.

its time to grow and give in to face the reality. 

as i look back at myself in the mirror today, 

i scare myself thinking of how horrible i could have been at that second.

and here it comes the sunshine, 

i am glad to have you as a support, my partner

stars beneath us

what defines us ?

love so deep, conquering our souls, it kills our mode to humanity. 

sensitivity, jealousy, priorities comes in our soul when we love someone so deep. 

we can never fight the happiness that drowns our times, but silent creep up slowly as the happiness fade

every beat of my heart, paints in my mind, everyday so much memories. 

i put you on a canvas, you enable to climb out. 

is this suffocation of your very soul 

seconds, minute, hours, days, weeks, months gradually years .

do you want to live in this cycle?

where is your willingness. 

isnt expectation the root to all evil, 

an addition priorities may lead to evilness and disappointments

my words are drying out .

left in the cold dark nights of theses walls.

a step to adulthood.

7 september marks the day of the utter fear to the whole of reality. This days provokes me to step ahead to the world of adulthood. A day of proUD senses by the family and close ones. Never in my life, sacrificed tears, sweat , late nights, brain crampping for this two piece of paper. 4 years of my life spent chasing this printed A4 for the sake of life experience. No doubt, i cherish the last 4 years in this university. The amount of friends made, the ones which stayed beside me thru it all. After years, of blogging and ranting about how desperately wanting to get out of this place, somehow i miss it now. i guess we all take things forgranted sometimes dont we? Heck, but its not too late to go back, afterall this place is well opened all the time for people like us to continue chasing academic dreams.

Im just so glad its over, and to the people who doubted me well im done and an official graduate of two degrees. Well, looks like you need something else to bitch about me now ? :)

oh and also happy graduation to my lovely anqi tay! love you to bits, we've survived being 8 years as friends and walked through so much childish experience in our life! arent we just fated to meet, our moms and our dads :)
Love you and congratulations to you too!

v e r t s

How beautiful is it to stay silent

When someone expects you to be enraged from them.

And how beautiful it is to laugh

When someone thinks you are going to shed tears.

"RESPECT YOURSELF ENOUGH TO WALK AWAY FROM ANYTHING THAT NO LONGER SERVES YOU, GROWS YOU, OR MAKES YOU HAPPY."

Extrovert vs. Introvert

There is this common misconception about the natural behaviour of extroverts and introverts; extroverts are often times characterized as being lively and talkative, while introverts are naturally quiet and withdrawn.
This isn’t true. It’s correct that when you meet someone shy and quiet they will more likely be and introvert than an extrovert; however, this doesn’t mean that introverts are naturally shy, or that shy people always have to be introverts. On the contrary, introverts can be very talkative and discuss topics that intrest them for hours on end.

The actual definition of an Introvert is someone who draws energy from being alone with their thoughts, while Extroverts draw their energy from being with others.

Introverts are people can who draw energy from being alone with their thoughts. They enjoy, and sometimes even need, a deep conversation with people they trust; they often don’t like small talk, or rather often don’t see the point in it. But after a while they will feel the need to be alone again, to recharge and sort out things on their own.
Extroverts on the other hand, are people who draw their energy from being with others. They can enjoy being alone with their ideas and dreams just as an introverts can enjoy being around people, yet after a while they will feel the need to interact with others to fill up their energy

insentive

insensitive

i gave you my heart, i gave you my soul, 

i read you my thoughts, and we talked for hours, 

everyday so many talks and cuddles,  

 At night, the people come and go

They talk too fast and walk too slow
Chasing time from hour to hour
I pour the talks and souls
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

losing sight of everything i ever wanted to this stranger. 

rambling thoughts should be dashed out. 

deeper

Shes lost her sanity for words, the lack of sleep does justice to her piece of mind.Like a dark child numb and dumbfounded, bounded to heartbreak.What hurt this child was smtg so close and intimate. Something personal.Someone personal.
Abusive thoughts pondering and floating amongst the air she breathes, she lives and feed on these pain ..when does it ever end?repeatedly shes tried to reposition herself into this cold, endless political world. the consequence will still remain constant and inevitable. is there hope to be bound to truth someone so deep again?how much lies does it take to learn about the truth? insecurity bounds these lies and truths. 

what defines love?

shes lost herself in the world of silence and lies. letting herself believe in a religion and ritual which she didnt deserve to be in. 

all she wanted was to love and be loved, simple and simply. no regrets, no holding back, just pure happiness. day by day flowing through the days without negativity, shouldnt this be what we are living for? waking up to his beautiful smile, being the one for this other soul, merrying along the days. her guards down for this person, believing in his every word, no doubtings, offering a portion of her heart. there is not  a single doubt that she longs for him, his truth his trust his smile, his soul. she recognises the fear of losing him,which is being outgrown by the emotions she has for him. 

however,

purity simple happiness still seems so out of reach for her. 

def: thoughts

THOUGHTS,
 The faculty of thinking or reasoning.

it is this faculty detesting the most. the pale look into your eyes conveys a huge thunder of thoughts in your mind.sitting quietly and patiently for the share of thoughts, as always, but knowingly its deeply killing inside to urge and strangle you to share them. the earthy colour tone of this cubicle walls slowly dying and drowning the sorrow of two earthlings souls. thoughts loomed overhead, soaking two souls in distances containing dirty unsolved emotions. drawing in a breath of the cool , moist air circulating the cubicle, more thoughts grew. like it leech, it stays on until being spotted and brushed off. this time its different, they stayed on and grew. the thoughts of course. it is because of these unsecured, evil, spontaneous thoughts which kills the souls. 

the pain of silence and coldness shattered this one soul. 

could it be the end?

there should be a reasoning for everything should they ?

''self-discipline, although difficult, and not always easy while combatingnegative emotions, should be a defensive measure.  At least we will be able to prevent the advent of negative conduct dominated by negative emotion.  That is 'shila', or moral ethics.  Once we develop this by familiarizing ourselves with it, along with mindfulness and conscientiousness, eventually that pattern and way of life will become a part of our own life."-

bits and pieces...

Besides being all nerdy and spending timeless nights away at uni labs, 

YES i do go out ! : ). .

Below are a few pictures found. . which i thought would be nice to share.  . .and prove a point where 

i do have a life! 

ive noticed in the eyes of some, i always been the outgoing one, a carefree life with no stress in hand. Some even had the concept where all i do is just have fun. 

Sadly, thats not the case. I DO go to uni, do my assignments, spend late nights focusing on my academics on weeknights.The closer people around me would know this, as they would be the one accompanying me to this sad nerdy stuffy cubicle. Just to make it clear, i do prioritize my focus in life. I have goals which maybe beyond my reach but heck ill push myself further if i have to thrive my way there. Being a libra, its perpetual that i will tend to lead a balance life between Work and Play. Believe me, when it comes to having fun i will definitely not disappoint. And when it comes to the serious bits, theres no messing around with me. Oh and just to clarify, i detest alcohol. I wont deny the fact that i hadnt had any to drink. But i DONT  at all  at times when we go out to have fun. I tend to adore the fact of being sober and being the designated driver. How do i do it all this ? A few little hints :

WORK

• Organize your time, Plan out a schedule, a monthly calendar is always useful when it comes to important dates
• Always keep a diary! Im a tad old fashion when it comes to writing. i believe my best friend of all time would be a diary! Yes i do keep a diary! it keeps me on track of my due dates and etc. 
• Having adequate sleep and water to keep yourself fresh!
• Pamper yourself alittle by making an effort to dressup for class :) 
• Do your assignments fews before its due! Motivate yourself that its due one week earlier!

PLAY

• You dont need massive alcohol to keep you high. ( Well i dont at all, so i cant justify as each person have person beliefs in alcohol) Just enjoy yourself and have fun. Blend with the crowd! Being thrashy is never classy!
• Making sure your friends are fine and keeping out of trouble
• Stay strong on will power if you arent keen to drink anymore
• jiggly wiggly around and smile for the camera :) 

Toodles

xx

thru the days

time of the year again! assignments pilling up! oh may , why do you have to be so un-may! :( . 

after this it shall be the finals , and off we go away again . . 

Mount lawley- Tea and merchant for tea time :) 

best bread and butter pudding, plus try the banana bread too! 

Balmoral Hotel for brunch. risotto clams, tasting plate and wedges. 

oh and will's lovely cuppies by us :D

xxx

its gettin really quiet here, aint it ?

finals in two days,
be back then
:)

whatever it takes,

careers my up tight priority the rest can wait. .

big boy rides, big boy ices, save it , ill catch up !

xx

* tame tame tame

tame your soul ,
and i adore you because youre a no-body.

and what you see are not shattered streets,

but rather, within you, your own crushed walls,

your frustrated infinity, again the city comes

crashing down: in your silence, only water's threat

faded smile and possesing karma

this certain situation is driving her crazy. one moment she could feel hopeful and have a positive sense of anticipation. the next moment, she feels doomed and everything is about to fail. its inevitable that shes ordinarily a very balanced person, its in her nature. she doesnt allow emotions to seesaw in this way. but right now the potential threat or reward is so great that she has given in to fear and worry, and its putting a huge strain on such a quick occasion. the feeling of insecurities and craving stability is invading the onced balanced mind. maybe its the lack of pragmitical sense of miind.

karma can be a bitch , and she's feeling the burning fire penetrating through her emotions. should she be happy that things are moving on ? but why is the fear and tear overrides such thoughts?

maybe he was right,

' deep inside you know that you still miss me' ,

this was why she kept coming back.

This time it would be different, the once warm hearted opened door, has now shut upon its timeframe. promised and stated words,'ill never find another, and be alone for the rest of my life' ,is being backfired.

but what if. . . . .

she wanted it all back ?

a given chance, to restart over.

realistically, it may all be too late.

late, the door has shut, not a glimpse of light is piercing through.

she wishes him well and pretentiously happy for him on moving on .

goodbye,mybelovedboy

i wrote you a letter, but my ego is not allowing me to send it .

over the pass months, boulder of challenges have literally knocked down. due to this a tough nutshell of mine is formed, hence creating a less vulnerable and more cynical self. its time to let go of old feelings that no longer have a use for in this. those feelings might include regret over a path not taken , or probably anger at someone who betrayed the trust, or maybe sadness over someone whom let me down. while at it, letting go of self doubt, guilt over poor choice or an error in judgement comes vital. when all these useless emotions are shed away, the dazzling person in me shines. dreams will be free to reach and waiting to be revealed. believe me.

FLASH.

saturday. now. right here, in bed writing. unflown words.

in the pass couple of days, things have began to fall apart.negative energy has been holding me back, it has been blocking my progress. it has come to a point where ive realised that i may have taken too much of a burden recently. Firstly , yes i do it for the best intentions,most likely doing the right thing with a commitment, and possible to help others out of the jam. and today, it has finally hit me. ive got to delegate some of them, my mental appearance doesnt seem to be holding up anymore. '' the way you treat people, reflects on how people will treat you '', god that quote just keeps playing in my mind. Friends you say , they do come and go. its perfectly unfair, the people close to my hearts are miles away from where i am,mentally they comfort me, but it would mean the world if they were physically close by my side.

on the other hand, maybe ive been too ambitious on dreams which are implausible . at first, my passions to achieve my goals seemed realistic, but as ive gotten into the more challenging aspects,thoughts of giving up kicked in. At the same time, if i do give up, ill have to deal with regret for a long time to come. STUCK.

Tonight, the drive home was different. Familiarized roads, traffic, signs. Tears streaming , as i hung up the phone. Dissapointments made. Trying hard to keep on speed limit, and suddenly a nasty thought came in mind. what if ive actually steered a little to the left, accelerating , and into the lamp post. Horrified.

theres so much that i should learn to let go. let the petty grievance fall by the wayside. learn to keep up with ending conflicts with a smile and a compassionate approach. Learn to stop lingering on problems and regrets. If i even did learn to sheer my mind and spirit away from the annoyances of life, BLISS.

choices ,everyone opt to make the right ones.

and i choose the right one tonight,

i lived and here i am writing.

but for tonight ill try repelling the bad vibrations by exuding the goods.

And by that, im turning the world away for awhile.

social networkings , turned off.

whatsapp , bbm , OFFED.

hiatus mode ON

good night world.

xx

noctures

have a good weekend ;)

Even my smile has a shadow

Jeers at my sadness

Like a dry well without water

I use a sad but beautiful font

To describe that love that is too late to regret

mad hatters

another weekend gone.
time should just slow down.
its triggering a self-mode implosion in my mind right now.
tripping on upcoming assignments!gotta get my gear on!
uni late nights are back in trend again, way ahead before the exam periods.

gah. ive ntg in mind, exp you :)

good night babies.

not an opinion but a rewrite.

frozen fingers and feet were quickly diminished into the warmth given. sheets tangled and so were they,twisted and wrapped inside the warmth of each other. the moment swell between laughter, soft whisper and some silence; the perfect resilience moment. her little fingers grasps between his blushing cheeks gently. each movement felt so clear as though as it was a movie viewing from another angle. nevertheless, it is taking in every bit of this new person that scares her and she wanted so badly to retreat and not allow herself feel this vulnerable, when the predictable outcome could led to another pain. it feels all too familiar to her but so much better. the game plans immediately changed, when one night she realized that everyone deserves a chance. for once, she's drown in confusion. Her thoughts are erratic and change with every word she jot downs.

should the chances be taken ?

why let this beautiful stranger in , when she has never let her guards down to any other before?

why was it this person that she succumbed to ?

how did she get here?

but for now all she can hope for is that this time- it doesn't hurt as much.

just another hit and run ?

xx

hi ! im i what you're looking for. . because you've got the arms I want to be wrapped in, the eyes I want to get lost in, and the voice I want to wake up to every morning.

你不应该想他了...我应该继续前进

ps: i died a little inside , knowing that it would be monday tomorrow. Dear time, could you slow down just a little , i cant keep up!

nights xx