dear me

it happens, it always happens in a relationship.

 they call it normal , but to me its a cry for help. 

being silent and comprising built up by themselves started to fuel up and tend to turn themselves into tears and anger which unable my function to react as a normal human being again. 

i rebelled and went against all the rule of being in a relationship. 

i lost it , it was a unforeseen one time flash with no one to pull the brakes,

the furiousity  of being the strong one just threw the flames into the eyes

and there and then , the drive out the door. it was lost to what we thought would be a good night. 

but as i raved on the night with heavy laughter, melodious humour, my presence wasnt there. 

it got so numb, time swelling on to my skin. what i really wanted was to leave the artificial pain killer

there is was the unexpected causing an uproar scene.  

there was an exception this time, i really wanted to die

those words hit the depth of the core. sanity became insanity. 

minutes, hours and day 

there i was laying on the ground crawled up like a ball, unknown for the fact that my whole world came crashing down worst than ever before. 

constant turbulence emotions in the head, blurred by visions

it pulled it back the pain, i didnt want to grow and have my kids seeing me like this in the future.

its time to grow and give in to face the reality. 

as i look back at myself in the mirror today, 

i scare myself thinking of how horrible i could have been at that second.

and here it comes the sunshine, 

i am glad to have you as a support, my partner

hatred prosperous.

The ones where you gave it your all. The ones you felt that they would be there for you for the whole time. But something happened, or even nothing happened at all. Whatever it was, it caused the friendship to fade. And that friendship turned into acquaintances, and then into strangers. this is the saddest phrase of life and growing up. 

It all feels so pseudo? or am i the pseudo? My life perceptions have always been pure and strong. Everyone deserves a chance to be trusted and be treated equally. ive always been given warning about the possible damage into which my insouciance might yet lead me to pain.

pain which becomes a desire to recover through desperate forgiveness.ive always lived in a  world of greasy, cold faults. you may think its a hideout of runway when in contrast it becomes the total opposite. being the bigger person has always been the motivation. no grudge is all i contain inside of my very bottom soul. correct me, let me grow to be a better person, cause im deeply dying into this threshold if 

come and talk to me. 

dont let us be strangers. 

over the pass months, boulder of challenges have literally knocked down. due to this a tough nutshell of mine is formed, hence creating a less vulnerable and more cynical self. its time to let go of old feelings that no longer have a use for in this. those feelings might include regret over a path not taken , or probably anger at someone who betrayed the trust, or maybe sadness over someone whom let me down. while at it, letting go of self doubt, guilt over poor choice or an error in judgement comes vital. when all these useless emotions are shed away, the dazzling person in me shines. dreams will be free to reach and waiting to be revealed. believe me.

FLASH.

saturday. now. right here, in bed writing. unflown words.

in the pass couple of days, things have began to fall apart.negative energy has been holding me back, it has been blocking my progress. it has come to a point where ive realised that i may have taken too much of a burden recently. Firstly , yes i do it for the best intentions,most likely doing the right thing with a commitment, and possible to help others out of the jam. and today, it has finally hit me. ive got to delegate some of them, my mental appearance doesnt seem to be holding up anymore. '' the way you treat people, reflects on how people will treat you '', god that quote just keeps playing in my mind. Friends you say , they do come and go. its perfectly unfair, the people close to my hearts are miles away from where i am,mentally they comfort me, but it would mean the world if they were physically close by my side.

on the other hand, maybe ive been too ambitious on dreams which are implausible . at first, my passions to achieve my goals seemed realistic, but as ive gotten into the more challenging aspects,thoughts of giving up kicked in. At the same time, if i do give up, ill have to deal with regret for a long time to come. STUCK.

Tonight, the drive home was different. Familiarized roads, traffic, signs. Tears streaming , as i hung up the phone. Dissapointments made. Trying hard to keep on speed limit, and suddenly a nasty thought came in mind. what if ive actually steered a little to the left, accelerating , and into the lamp post. Horrified.

theres so much that i should learn to let go. let the petty grievance fall by the wayside. learn to keep up with ending conflicts with a smile and a compassionate approach. Learn to stop lingering on problems and regrets. If i even did learn to sheer my mind and spirit away from the annoyances of life, BLISS.

choices ,everyone opt to make the right ones.

and i choose the right one tonight,

i lived and here i am writing.

but for tonight ill try repelling the bad vibrations by exuding the goods.

And by that, im turning the world away for awhile.

social networkings , turned off.

whatsapp , bbm , OFFED.

hiatus mode ON

good night world.

xx

Alright, this is what ive been up to for the pass two nights. Youtubing and reading on articles about Bersih 2.0. At its formation, BERSIH comprised civil society organisations and political parties with the objective of campaigning for clean and fair elections in Malaysia. In case for you foreigner readers out there, its a peaceful protest which took place on the 9th July, streets of Kuala Lumpur by the citizens. the aim was to effectively monitor and demand for a clean political divide.

After hours of viewing horrible and frightening scenes captioned, one word came to mind, SHAME on the government. What is the meaning of government, Mr Prime Minister? Would you care to explain? Maybe all the corruption power has preluded you into the forgotten world of the people's rights and freedom. Doesnt government define the voice and representation of the people. So why are these citizen out there working together as as one to get their voice out. Why are they risking their lives out there protesting for a fair go? Oh and why am i even expressing the people as ''risking their lives''. That is definately not right!its not democratic once, the police force starts abusing the people for freedom of speech. Its not bloody democratic that people are being detained because they are forced to get their IC'S consfiscated by the police.

Shouldnt the government be protecting the people, instead of non negotiating and smoked them all in tear gases unnoticeably. ABSURB!

Malaysia is made out of many diverse groups of nationality, but for this one issue they all came together and reunite. Doesnt this show you how significantly poor the trust between the citizens and the government have?How the ruling power this masked by greed and corruption.

Bless the respected leaders such as Nurul Izzah Anwar, R Sivarasa and etc. Their strong support on Bersih and actions have been accused for organizing an illegal gathering, and this was more than an accused, it was a fine!All are being investigated under Section 4(1) of the Sedition Act and Section 27(5) of the Police Act in relation to the recent 'launch' of the Bersih 2.0 rally.What is this nonsense?!

At the end of the night, i come to think what if Malaysia turned out to be a third world country, like Israel or Pakistan. What would the street of Jln Bukit Bintang be like? Army tanks surrounding the city and patrolling. . pFTTT. .i could go on and on and rant about the whole issue.But maybe i ishouldnt , because who knows the government might track me down on findafullmoon and come hunt and charge me for nternal Security Act, just like Raja Petra( a name whom i dearly adore for his courage to write as he speaks, a true man!)

ANyhow, below would be a video which really touched my heart, and caused little tears. Rip to the brave man who stood up with the crowd whom all wanted to literally ''save'' the country. May Allah be with you!Oh not to forgot that man at the end picking up thrash, YOURE A STAR! . :people like you make Malaysians proud :)

nights yall

xx

*oh yeah . .

hey

why the fuk would you care when the other party thinks youre attacking them

and giving more excuses to yourself for not carrying your responsibility brings things to the next level.

on the other note:

someone wrote this 好想好好爱你 这句话只能藏成秘密 on my wall.

and im sure you know who you are .indeed, we share back and forth situations :)

x

accentuate the positive.

sorry.

my absence has been tagged alongside my horrid experience . my luck ran out i suppose?

today , i met the world of meditation, blank thoughts and i see myself talking to me in the cranium. words whispered:

What do you want? What are you doing?

#1 the farewell of a beloved one, a soulmate a partner in crime from this part of the hallucinating world. sad indeed, his been my safeguard all theway from my first year of uni till present. anyhow, im glad you've finally graduated :) congrats my ben sherman legend .

#2 the absence of my partner in crime caused emotional venturing within myself. where do i stand now? where's my runaway getaway from reality .

#3 deeply missing the lovers you peeps. and yes esp you. at this moment, while im on this verbally expressing my thoughts, you got a fine and a string of unluckiness events. i must definately be a jinx today. bliss NOT!

#4 a hit and hit situation. a bloody bus being irresponsible and irrational and solute into an unfortunate event. what was i tthinking at that moment, a distance was kept between me and the other driver. how did it happen so quickly and me ended up with this.

#5 one particular unit for uni unregistered due to god noes what.

perhaps my mind has packed its luggage and left me to go on hiatus. i feel its discontentedness. perhaps ive to treat it with respect and give it life again! all this negativity must be put into an instance stop. hold on , findafullmoon.

its ok my child, dont hide the tears, as it will resolute into the heart releasing endorphins and the mind will reveal a solution.

* anticipated disappointments

* bring me back to the streeets of bkk where i belong

anticipated disappointments.

i picture the thought of snuggling up in your arms unexpectedly and see the horrid priceless facial reaction when your eyes awake. its all just thoughts which cant be brought to reality . why not you ask?an unknown source of answer, waiting to be reasoned.

dont back it up, i refuse to listen.

upset.

xx

*rage of anger

personal emotional ball is wrapping up real quick inside. a sudden rage of anger just whipped up the heart, impounding every inch of the cranium.

the phrase where it comes to mind . .
do you still want this anymore?

its a shame the habit of negative thoughts and chi invades the mind just like that. no solutions just decisions.

why is there always have to be comparisons?just because i dont get something i want.. return my old flame love.where acceptance and honesty is the lust to our love.

(*&*^^&*%^%^&%$^#$%#^#^$

same mistake again.

dont fkn ask me again!

How could u make a move to tell someone how u really feel if u've already felt the rejection even without words?

findafullmoon have been pretty emotionally unstable for a few days. getting annoyed and aggravated out of nothing. flame throwin tantrums upon herself and her loved ones. tearing out of no reason in unexcepted places. but hey they understand and their patience are like gold to me. i apologize or being such a paarty pooper at gold bar last night, 3 shots and still feeling nothing. called it a night less than half an hour. you know who you are. :*( loves you guys. oh well, the gloomy days are slowly fading away. heading for some healing aid later for dinner, the ultimate tiramisu at my favourite italian place. :]

xx

ps: New playlist. .

* i shall not be played out! because at this stage, i might be falling for you,

but we are NEVER going to be one. NEVER! EAT MY WORDS !

i will soon get over you!

x

i have ntg to say

wait maybe a few words

I DETEST YOU ! SHUSH away you go !

bitch mode on:

detesting the popularity and adding of mutual friends of fb

get a life

the hair

the clothing style

wantin to be the best

selfishly keeping good things to yourself

its just really funny.

ironic.

pppftt.

ok , i better not make it an issue just in case you figure who you are.

teheehe :3

besides that, been thru so much shit recently

her, him, he, she, them , us.

FML

I JUST WANT TO CRASH AND DIE.

:s

ijinxed

iJINXED. 

out of the blues. its like moment like this where im caught up in a situation and strucked. 

no one would hear me out. even if i wanted to speak at the perfect time, it would be interrupted by screams or agitated actions. the moment i would like to say something. all i could succumbed was the voice and words of defensiveness. there will be people out no doubt, caring and wanting to lend an ear. i thank this people im surrounded with. but somehow, there's times where you just want that particularly one person to listen and talk to about it. 

i have to admit, i could be wrong in perceptions. i take that blame . but hey! shouldnt you noe by now, i detest adding salt to the wound! opportunities? sorry, ill keep the thoughts to myself. i like that idea.  it keeps me in secure of myself. im obligated by that. 

and as for you , how could you have called me such a term? if i was one of the 'so' , arent you to be blamed?

the things i sacrifice for are just not appreciated. . . i guess it takes time, to heal all the gobbled sorrows and pain . 

i apologize for the emoness ,  ignore this if you could. 

x

gins influences

“Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away”

its been a 3-4 weeks ,since that very day. the mind was as wrecked as ever, voices and thoughts crowded the mind and alas it pulled the trigger. i've so much to say to you!! the phone calls i made, every word was planned. unfortunately , it didnt work out as planned, i lost my card game. i lost my power of speech . i didnt want to the a liar, because whats worst than a lie would be a bad liar.

how are you? what are you doing? hows your family ? so whos the new person ?

all clogged up in the mind, althought i may have predict or somehow rather know the answers , i still would like to hear it from you . post after post, i rant and vomit my thoughts of you , i kept them as drafts. full stop, never published, for my eyes only . i dare not delete the msges and letters you wrote. i fear , yes i fear for you . every single day i walk in the same room , the bed, the warbrobe, the pig, they all deliver me memories.

''its ok, i better not disturb you!''

''dont worry , one minute or so wont harm, afterall one year and a half was a waste already. so its ok ''

wow, that really suprised me , your tone, your anger, the whole conversation.

''why cant you just admit you're a -----''

''so what if people know. its the truth, just admit it''

who are you to judge and spread the word? i underestimated you. i guess this is karma isnt it? or was it revenge? the whole relation was at stake , but ntg was done to save it. yes, i take the blame and i confessed, which is not what everyone can face up to . people have been saying why did you even tell him the truth? you should have just let things be . i cant, i refuse, because you do deserve the best.

i dont usually dwell on relations , i can move on . this post isnt about how emo i am or whatso ever you wanna think about, its just another entry where my thoughts are being jotted down. When your news spread around and it reaches my ears, i have no idea what to react or feel for that very moment.

happy, sad, jealous ?

whichever was it, it wasnt established.

the song right now by akon , has lyrics which are able to describe the whole situation.

i rant and rant and rant.

and now you should stop reading and close the page, and probably never return to findafullmoon.blogspot.com

i apologize mooners,

its the mind playing games again . .

i promise to be better tomorow.

DO YOUCARE?

WE ARE WALKING OURSELVES TO DEATH,

BY PARTICIPATING IN THE HUMAN RACE!

good night humans!x

cornered.

it was exactly 4.38, the skies taking its time to turn blue, awaiting the sun to rise and colourize the clouds,

the phone speaks, a voice, familiar one,

the whole hour conversation affected and changed the perception of the whole situation.

what ? how ? why?

the planned conversation turned out to be unexpected.

lingering questions unanswered.

the tales behind the scene unknown.

only tears speaking out,

well just to let you know, oh hey!

dont have high expectations on me, because im not good at being the best,

as said a hopeless case thats what i am .

the beggining of your gone.

as she shut the door, into this little princess dorm,

there it is , awaiting for her return allowing her to slumber thru the night till morning ,

as she snugged, numbness took control,

memories flashback, it would usually be saturday nights like tonight

,him tugging her to bed,

hugging and comforting her,

unlimited kisses could be claimed,

cuddling her like mother and child,

responsible for warmth,

god! she misses him,,

its beginning to hit her.

a small familiar voice:

''his gone my darling. .

away he goes to someone else's arm, '''

and whose to blame,

this ignorant female , devious as ever.

now crying like a child, in the corner of the world.

x

rumah sakit

the health condition of one does highly affect emotional status .

after being conditional fine for more than months,

its the first of all, the cough is hijacking my lung

throat finding it hard to breathe,

sniffy's invading my nasal cavity,

skin as bad as ever,

sored eyes,

pelvis kidney area cutting me deeply inside,

internal haemorrage which hurts as hell!

i think its a bout time i take a visit to the gp .

but heck , i just cant take the intense atmosphere under that bloody roof!

thousands of patient files names, condition . . vice versa,

ugh gives me the fkn depressive mood.

i've been thinking about it last night,

what if my life ends today, tomorrow, later, soon?

with the condition im suffering atm,

i dont give a shit of dying no more

x